Julie and girlfriends

fourcorners @ 12:39pm: Maybe one or two of you has noticed I haven't been online as much recently. This has not been intentional. The universe is trying to keep me from the internet. It's as simple as that.

Days ago, my cat threw up on my monitor, shorting it out. That old thing is fucked (the monitor, not the cat). I tried connecting the DSL cable to my laptop, but couldn't get it to work as my DSL is also not functional for reasons unknown that don't seem to have anything to do with cat vomit. I was given a cool flatscreen monitor at work a while back, so the next day I brought it home in the hopes of hooking it up. This monitor is strange, for the power cord it requires is such an odd shape that the cables I had at home didn't fit. The next day, Friday, I scoured the computer cupboard and nothing in there seemed like a match either. I went home again and was more determined to get my laptop to find me some internet. Why the fuck couldn't I locate any wireless in the area? Surely if I worked at it long enough, I could get me some. That was my intent and I went home and gave it the ol college try and I ended up with nothing to show for my time except a warm couch where my ass had been planted for an hour. Sunday, I asked Alvin to give it a looksy since he has much more laptop experience than I do, and he couldn't figure out why my laptop wasn't able to pick up wireless in the area. It's not that it can't pick up wireless, for the computer does detect them in the area. It just can't seem to transform it into internet. I know I have to call up my DSL provider to get it all done, but without a computer I can use it seems to be kind of fruitless. I meant to write down the model of the monitor so I could research the variety of power cord it uses but my sleep-deficient mind didn't remember. I'm considering just saying 'fuck it' and buying a new monitor anyway that'll come with a standard 'normal' power cord but the only store I'd consider buying it from is Best Buy and due to last minute Christmas shopping, that store is a madhouse, with half hour gridlock traffic to even approach the store and with another 20 minutes to find parking. I don't know if that's a viable option.

So, the best solution would be to go home, write down the model number of the monitor and research it on my work computer (the one I'm using now) to discover the part number of this power cord, then hit up Radio Shack 'The Shack' or any other local gadget/techie store to purchase this mysterious creature. If I can do that, then I can get the monitor up and running and then see if there was any damage to my computer, for there does seem to be some kind of small, limited Electro Magnetic Pulse that knocked out my laptop and the modem. If the computer's fine, only THEN can I call up my DSL provider and talk to some guy in India about hooking me back up before Christmas.

I miss fucking around on the internet at home. I miss chatting and the late night stupid poll which no one appreciates.

On the other hand, if this is some kind of universal message to me that I spend too much time on the internet at home, maybe I should just sit around and read or do some chores. You know, something constructive. I guess I'll see the state of my computer. If that's not working either, then indeed this may be a further sign from the powers that be to STOP WASTING MY LIFE.

Will keep you informed what the 'stars' have aligned for me

fourcorners @ 11:21am: Too much death
To those that have shuffled off this mortal coil in the past week

Chris Henry - troubled wideout for my Cincinnati Bengals. I thought you were a felon and a loser until the team cut you and you turned your whole life around. You were resigned and it was like a wake-up call that you were fucking up your life. From then on you cleaned up your act. You avoided trouble. You put work first. You dedicated yourself to improvement. It was a complete 180. You were even engaged. Such a far cry from the Chris Henry a year before who'd get pulled over drunk with a gun. I thought the worst was behind you, but a weird domestic disturbance of the like I don't understand left you falling out of a moving vehicle and dead. It's sad that the payback for improvement of one's life ends up in a toe tag.

Brittany Murphy - you were lovable from the moment I first saw you in Clueless. Cute and perky and just a littttle bit crazy, you brought a flavor to Hollywood that differed from everybody else. Your hiatus from showbiz was supposed to be short term, but no one expects a 32-year old to have a massive heart attack. Hollywood will be somewhat less without your wackiness and you will be missed.

Lisa Hee - I went to school with you for 8 years, the entire length of my grade school existance. You were one of the most popular girls in my class. Every guy wanted to date you, every girl wanted to be you. I didn't know you very well, but seriously you're one of the faces I picture when I call to mind our class. There was just something about you that was effervescent. When you told me you had inoperable brain cancer, that had spread from other cancer-ridden organs, I knew the worst lay ahead of you and I had been trying to make peace with this day, but when it did arrive, I still wasn't truly prepared for it. At least you're no longer in pain. The suffering is behind you. The physical vessel, left so feeble, can finally rest. Even though, like me, you never married, I want you to know, Lisa, that at the very least, you touched life in a deep, albeit, confusing way. You will remain a young, incandescent enigma, burning in my memory and haunting my past. This is probably highly influenced by the fact that I haven't seen you since we were teenagers, but my impression of you has captured your essence in a unassailable time capsule, where your beauty and mysteriousness will plague my inner child for the remainder of my days.

And, of course, my father, but that goes back 2 weeks. However, the shock and grief will take some time to subside fully

zebulingod @ 3:13pm: Birthdays
Happy Birthday halftruths!

fourcorners @ 11:44am: Hard liquor vs. wine
I'm a drinker and booze and I have been FWB for some time now. I've been a hard liquor drinker for the lion's share of my drinking life, but I'm starting to drink wine now in an effort to add sophistication to my persona and because it's healthier and let's face it, drinking wine looks way classier than curling up with a tumbler of whiskey & coke.

There's a problem though. Wine affects me differently than liquor. Here's how I fare under the influence of various types of alcohol.

Liquor - I get more chatty, I get more playful, I get funnier (or so the other drunks say)

Wine - I get blabby and can blather on over some ho-hum argument much longer than any involved parties care to listen. Wine also makes me very mellow. So, I just chill and babble onwards

Beer - I've only gotten drunk off beer once and I ended up throwing up. It was the only time in my whole life where alcohol got the better of me. I rarely touch brewskis anyway

Therein lies the dilemma. Do I keep on pursuing the luster of the grape because of all the qualities it bestows while trying to minimalize any flaws that rise to the surface? Or do I fall back on Makers and let the magic happen as it usually does and just accept myself as a uncultured schlub?

fourcorners @ 4:52pm: For $20,000,000, would you...?
http://community.livejournal.com/thequestionclub/72828653.html

fourcorners @ 12:38pm: Things that make today distinct
Mom gets out of the hospital today. Maybe life will get back to normal

Bruce was here from the DC office and went back this morning. Some of the things he was taking with him on the plane were a couple bottles of wine. Airlines frown on liquids being brought aboard as carry-ons, so he's going to have to check them in as luggage. I found him an appropriate size box and littered that fucker with packing peanuts, crumpled paper and whatever it needed to secure it. Then, strangely enough, he wanted a handle. He asked for string or rope, neither of which are found in the average high-rise office. Using my ingenuity, I created a handle out of rolled-up strips of box tape. Thicker than your index finger, and taped onto the box. I 'pimped his box' except the whole thing looks fairly ugly.

While helping to clear out an electrical closet at work so the technician can access to circuit box, I squatted down to pick up some small boxes. I heard a rip. I had been wearing tight-ish jeans and upon inspection in the mirror after, I realized I had a tear in the bottom of my pants. Not a big one. It's a vertical rip and you can see my navy boxer-briefs. I'm wondering if I can get through the rest of the day with these jeans. I'm wearing a shirt that hangs over my crotch/butt area for the most part. I'd hate to spend my lunch driving home and back again when I have bills to pay. I'm hoping no one's looking at my ass today.

I got my Christmas bonus yesterday. It was a large amount. I was very pleasantly surprised. Since I had been out Monday and Tuesday for funeral purposes, I had missed payday (the 15th). I was just handed my paycheck, which I had forgotten to ask about. Good Lord. Two good-sized checks. I can use the money.

Today we're celebrating 3 birthdays and I'm on a hunt for 2 chocolate bundt cakes and a smallish tub of pistachio ice cream.

Boss is out of town til next Wednesday. Can this week get any better? Well, maybe karma owes me a little after my dad passing and my mom being hospitalized due to stress related to my dad passing

zebulingod @ 10:04pm: Ah epix...

fourcorners @ 3:01pm: My parents were together for 41 years. They weren't exactly a happy couple. They weren't really a couple. They had grown old together, grown comfortable together. They were best friends except not really besties. Neither one of them were social people. They really didn't appreciate many other human beings. They tolerated each other. As much as they needed one another, they'd fight often about stupid petty things that become so important as you get older (kitty litter, coupons, dishes,etc.). They had had separate bedrooms since after the last kid was born, so for the past 30something years.

We kids grew up in a home devoid of affection. We were never hugged, never touched (unless it involved spanking), never heard "I love you" uttered. We all grew up a little detached and strange and have seen relationships as curious things overall. Both my siblings are married, leaving me as the lone solitary brother. My brother married the first girl he ever dated. My sister's only dated 2 men in her life and both have been on the quiet side, just like dad. This is also why I don't tend to have enduring relationships, though at times I'd want nothing more than to find someone to date seriously.

My mom is kind of a recluse. Badly damaged emotionally as a teenager by cruel kids when her face broke out, she's created an entire life of feeling worthless and like an embarrassment to everyone she knows. No amount of coaxing, arguing or encouragement can get her to move past that. She has no friends, and her family lives in Hawaii and amongst them, she's only close with her mother. She holds a serious grudge against her brothers, who she feels also were highly embarrassed by her as a teen. My dad was my mom's world just because there was no one else. They were only apart a few times in their lives. Now that he's gone, she doesn't know what to do. She's greathly depressed, feeling that there's just no point in life anymore, nothing to look forward to. She doesn't want to go out, doesn't want to meet anybody new, doesn't want to go anywhere. It falls to us kids to try and prop her up, bolster her emotionally, but it's difficult to make her feel better when she has created a life with no solutions, no prospects. She's alone, and while I may be there as company, I'm away at work or out with friends at times. My mother will be home all day, alone, with just cats and a tv, and she won't allow anyone into her life except us kids and her mother. It's frustrating and heartbreaking to be so powerless to fix a loved one who has little capacity to love or trust others.

My grandmother is 80something and quite frail. I don't foresee her having many years left. As a matter of fact, she's flying out to LA on Sunday for the services, but because of her limited movement and poor hearing, her nephew is accompanying her. First time she's ever needed an aide. My mom's under the notion that she'll take care of her mother when she gets too old to care for herself. She sees it as an inevitable series of events that will come to pass. I think that it would be best, for then my mom wouldn't be alone. It's quite customary in Japanese culture that the daughter takes care of the mother when the latter grows feeble. However, I don't know if my grandmother still wants my mother to do so. See, my mom's entire family lives in Honolulu. Three brothers, their children, and some grandchildren. I can't foresee why my grandmother would want to give up all those children, grandchildren and great grandchildren just to stay with her 'nutty' daughter who can barely take care of herself. I hope my grandmother doesn't tell my mom about this over her stay here. My mom can't take more rejection in her unhappy life especially from her own mother. My grandmother would most likely ask her to join her in Hawaii instead, which my mom would never agree to. Her unresolved issues with her brothers and her endless responsibilities with her cats would anchor her in California in this instance.

In short, I feel terrible about my father passing away, but I feel even worse for my mother and her life from here on in. I'll do everything I can to be there, but I don't think I can put my own life on hold. She's never been alone. Ever. It's up to my sister and I to buttress her life against loneliness. My brother lives up in the Bay Area and his wife is giving birth to their first child next week, so his resposibilities and location makes him unable to be more than just an occasional phone call. James barely fit in with our family anyway. His ambition and drive and social circles made him a little ashamed of his weird family, but he always made sure that his parents were ok. Other than that checking in, we'd rarely hear from him.

It's a shame that my dad passed away a week before his first grandchild was born. I'd think it would have been more sad if my dad didn't have such little interest in driving up north to see James. My dad loved us all in his own way and would show it through actions rather than telling us, and wasn't exactly a person who'd always enjoy hanging out with his kids. My parents' indifference to people applied to us at times, and I don't think he and James really had much to say to each other. Hell, my dad and I didn't have a great deal to say to each other that didn't involve sports or politics or animals. He did love us, but either lacked a way to express it or his own solitary instincts kept him from truly bonding with us. He would do anything for us, anything. I love my dad a great deal, but overall, I question how much I really knew him.

fourcorners @ 11:59am: Black Wednesday
I'm not ready to really talk about this in a post yet, so I'm just going to summarize that my dad died yesterday morning. Suddenly. I'm coping well, but obviously not at my best. He died in my arms and I'm still trying to compartmentize that memory, putting it in some kind of context of how the week played out. The funeral is next Tuesday and I'm not exactly sure how I'm going to feel after that. Even though we (the family) hung around his lifeless body in the ER for over an hour, it'll be a different story seeing him inside the box.